afresh.

Monday, October 5, 2015 3:30 PM 2 Comments

I don't know if you have suspected, but lately I have been "tired and uninspired" with everything that has happened with my life. Yes, I may post other fun and seemingly happy posts on my other social accounts but generally speaking, I may have been depressed for a few weeks or so. That or I am diagnosing myself having mild to moderate anxiety with a hint of depression. (Okay, I may have been reading too much self-diagnosing articles.)



I don't want to sound sad and make you feel pity on me, but I just want to say it out here. There comes a point when things just go bland, para bang 'asan na ba ako sa buhay ko?' or you feel like there's something wrong with how you're living your life out. You then look at your relationships, you realize that some people aren't really your friends, but they're just being nice to you. So you just spend more time alone than with people then you start to question yourself, have I not been a good friend? Am I not reaching out much? I do try, but I'm not a naturally-looking friendly person to begin with, I have to exert extra effort to not come off as mataray. That's how it's been with me lately, and it pretty much sucks.

I also happen to know that currently, my age is where you transition from being a kid to an adult, to simply say it. As one of Blink 182's songs had said, "nobody likes you when you're 23". It's like everyone hates you secretly, honestly. Yung tipong lahat sila karamihan sakanila parang nagko-conspire against you. I've read a handful of articles as well mainly saying that 23 is a challenging age to be in, and I have to agree; it is. But one thing that helped me cope was saying to myself to just shake it all off and show them what I am made of (quoted from a song, of course haha). Maybe sadyang paranoid lang din ako, but at least I am aware. (if that even does anything good.)

Thinking about what you should be in the future can be quite fun, but let's admit it's scary as well. I don't know about you guys but I sometimes think of what I would turn out to be after a few years, I would always wonder if I'll ever achieve anything. And when I compare it to what and where I am now, there are certainly a lot of doubts. I may look like I got it all figured out or something, but believe me, I don't. I'm as clueless as a hamster being brought for show and tell at a kindergarten.

One thing more, It's also hard to decide what you would really want to do. From an article* I found so informative, my generation was raised into thinking "you can be anything you want to be". Well, it's cool because it teaches us to dream and aim high and not just settle, but in the long run it gives us a set of false hopes and dreams because, reality of life, hindi lahat magagawa mo. Specially if you're not some kid from a bourgeoisie family.

*Guys, I highly encourage you to read it, especially if were on the same generation.

I'm now quite aware that I really can't do everything I want all at once, so I have to prioritize my goals and things I want to have. Probably bawasan din the things I want. hehe The future can really be quite scary, that is a fact. But it helps that you know you have a bigger God who can help you face whatever lies ahead. I'd like to think I'm optimistic about things; always having hope, looking at the bright side and silver lining on anything. I know that this 'depression' will eventually pass.

Okay, I apologize for sounding negative. I'll now switch into a more uplifting topic and voice.

Among good things, I have been inspired by few silly little references lately. One would be, well, ALDUB. (bloody hell, ang korni mo, Roxx!) Yeah I know some of you might say that, but whatever, it's true! They're one of the reasons I have changed my perspective, particularly about destiny. You see, after several unfortunate things had happen to my (and to other people dear to me's) love life, my view of destiny was shattered. I am left to believe it does not exist anymore, rather it is about a person making obvious effort for it to happen and to which my logical, deaf-to-my-heart brain related more. Anyway, basically, di ako naniniwala sa forever at destiny between people. haha Don't get me wrong, I still watch a fair share of romantic films whenever I'm up for it, but it really didn't have the same effect as when I watched Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza on TV. Something in me became alive again nung una ko silang napanood. Add the fact about their "Candy Fair" instance and they just really got me. *cue music* naniniwala na ako sa forever destiny, magmula ng makilala kita! :)



Lastly on the plus side: I can't freaking wait for me to be 24. I have never been this excited in getting older. HAHAHA